The
need to feel loved, and to feel love for others, is
at the core of human experience. In order to do that,
we need meaningful relationships with others. If everyone
has such a strong need to give and receive love, why
then are human relationships so hard, so fraught with
difficulties?
There
are many reasons for this, of course. One common reason
is that what one person deems as loveable behavior,
another person does not. For example, suppose that
a wife plans and gives a surprise party for her husbands
40th birthday. She plans this for a whole year prior
to his birthday. On his birthday, the surprise goes
well, and the husband is surprised, and seems pleased.
After the party is over, the wife asks him how he
enjoyed his party and he answers saying "It was O.K."
The wife is very shocked, then disappointed, and hurt.
"O.K.?" she states, "I planned this for a whole year
and all you can say is it was O.K.!?"
Let's
stop the scenario at this point and examine what has
happened. The wife was well-meaning in her actions.
She spent a lot of time and energy to show her husband
how much she loves him. She gave her love through
a loving, selfless act. Her husband, however feels
awkward at parties, especially where he is the center
of attention. His wife may have known that, but not
how big an issue it was for him. Or, she may have
not known, and was surprised to learn that he felt
that way. In any case, the wife becomes disappointed,
which could result in an argument between them. Who
was right, and who was wrong?
Healthy
and Unhealthy Family Systems (Also See Adults
With Troubled Childhoods)
Problem
number one: Asking the wrong question. If we ask the
question "Who is right and who is wrong?" in relationship
problems, we usually head off in a "wrong" direction,
and end up with more hurt feelings, and less resolution
to the problem. In other words, less love to experience
and share between the family members. (This applies
to all relationships). Often, people grow up in homes
where it is very important to not be blamed, for fear
of punishment, criticism, or withdrawal of love. As
a result, being held blameless, or being "right" becomes
highly valued. This is the opposite of what occurs
in healthier family systems, where it is more important
to be emotionally close, and resolve negative feelings
with each other.
In
healthier families, where there is less fear of punishment,
criticism, or withdrawal of love, it is easy to admit
when mistakes are made. In such a family, a member's
self esteem (good feelings about yourself) is more
important than any single behavior, or even groups
of behaviors. Using the above example with the surprise
party, the husband, after saying it was "O.K." and
noticing the disappointment on his wife's face might
ask "what's wrong?" When his wife tells him, he could
let her know that he appreciated the love and caring
that went into the gift his wife gave him. He could
put aside his own negative feelings for a period of
time, long enough to help his wife go through her
feelings of disappointment and keep reassuring her
of his love for her. Then, at another time, he could
talk about why it's hard for him to be the center
of attention, if he knows, or he could talk about
the fact that it is his problem, not hers, that he
is uncomfortable with too much attention, and reassure
her that she is not responsible for his reaction.
He could apologize for hurting her feelings even if
he believes she "should" have known better. He could
decide that it is more important to be close than
be right. Helping resolve this right/close issue is
usually essential in working with relationship issues.
The
primary factor in determining whether there will be
trust, goodwill, and emotional closeness is whether
each person is convinced that the other cares not
just about his or her own well being, but about the
other person's as well. In relationship therapy there
are, of course, many other aspects to consider. Any
large unresolved issue from your past can, and usually
will emerge in your current relationship. The more
you have an understanding of your own internal conflicts
(issues), the greater your chance of not acting them
out in the relationship in a destructive way. One
of the tasks in all intimate relationships is to separate
the past from the present. For example, if, in a previous
relationship (or in your childhood) you experienced
or observed one person verbally abusing another, you
may develop an expectation that that pattern will
be repeated in your current relationship. If your
expectation is very strong, you may unconsciously
recreate a situation in the present that mirrors what
you have seen or experienced in the past. You may
then come to the conclusion that most or all relationships
involve verbal abuse and be totally unaware that you
have helped (again unconsciously) select a partner
who is verbally abusive, or allows themselves to be
verbally abused. Relationships provide a wonderful
opportunity to understand ourselves in a new way,
and to discover the best and most noble parts of ourselves.
The reverse is also true, however. If we blame the
other person for how we feel and respond, we stop
the learning process and end up feeling angry, and
often victimized. How we choose to deal with our own
painful feelings from our past, as well as our present,
and how much we are able to love and empathize with
another, ultimately determines the outcome of the
relationship, as well as our own spiritual and emotional
growth.
